Now

I just watched a fascinating movie in "The Butterfly Effect". It really makes me think as I look around my really messy room (I'll clean that later), and ponder about where I am in life. There are very few situations that I would change if I could, because I'm pretty satisfied with life, but I think we're supposed to be more than satisfied.

I know of at least 2 situations, one when I was 11, and another when I was 21, that I would try to go back and make different if I could, but I'd probably just F things up worse anyways :).

The way things did happen, I remember being the oldest of the kids, and therefore receiving the most punishment. I remember pummeling the crap out of my younger siblings in response to that, and taking on a bitter and somewhat "older than I am" sense to handle things. Of course I did have more responsibility, but I think I developed the way I deal with people due to these situations (but doesn't everyone).

I remember thinking I had to protect the other kids beyond all else, even though I wasn't very nice to them, and the stress that put on me. I remember not being really allowed to have friends over to the house. But I remember the sense of family we had, since it was about all we had, and the effort that got spent on us to try and make us happy.

I remember going to a counselor, with him on a "walk", and not wanting to say anything about the event when I was 11, because I really didn't know what to say, and I still don't know what to say. At least I have established some feelings on the matter by now, and I guess I counseled myself to this point, and come to grips that what's done has been done, and believing that everything happens for a purpose.

Look how much we as humans are able to think. I can implicitly declare that everything happens for a reason, and then through inference prove it to myself by "thinking" out the events that happened as a result of a particular occurrence of the past.

I love our god-given ability to think and create anything we put our mind to. That is freedom.

Change the now.