Friday, January 14, 2005

Dirty Freakin' Chimichanga

Hey y'all,

This is just a stupid post from something I wrote when I was living in a crazy situation during the summer of '03. I'm pooped so I'm not thinking tonight, I should be back tomorrow though:

While I’m able to think, I’ve decided to journal some of those thoughts, so as to have something to laugh at when I’m 40.


I think the mind is a powerful tool, especially when applied with good purpose, and thus I hope the purpose of these writings is to inspire and intrigue with thought, as well as to further the good of myself and common man.

I am living in what I would consider a poor man’s circus. At first I thought it was a good deal. I was married, and in the paper it was offered a house renting at the tune of $700 a month. That should have raised an alarm in my head, but being an ignorant fool fond of being frugal I decided to take a chance. Bad Move. Moving in an old lady greets us at the door, wondering who in the world we are. After we get that across, we are told that she also rents a bedroom, but that she is not at home on the weekends, and would not normally be seen or heard. No big deal we figure. Beyond that, another divorced 30-something year old male rents the basement apartment. Again, not a huge deal in our book, although this is starting to seem like 3 (or 4’s) company. A month later, my wife leaves me (for different reasons). Then the landlady decides to go crazy at this point. Knowing that she has wanted to build a new deck, she decides to hire a few random Mexicans from Arlington (we are 40 miles West, in Haymarket, VA). Wanting to save some of her cash, she decides the Mexicans can spend the night on the couch (for 4 nights). To keep it safe (or to have an affair with the head deck constructor), my landlady decides to stay at the house as well, in another bedroom upstairs. So here’s the picture. One divorced man downstairs. 2 Mexicans sleeping on the couches on the main floor living room. Myself (a separated 23 year old male), an older woman (probably 70 something), and my landlady each sleeping in different bedrooms on the top floor.

Things could be considered just in bad taste, yet it gets better. The landlady decides to put on an audible show for us (me and the old lady – 70), having an affair to the loudest extent in her bedroom, providing entertainment for all in the house. I go to bed during the middle of the sex-spree, semi-laughing myself to sleep out of pure insanity. Getting up the next morning, I find an empty wine glass outside my bedroom door on the floor. Thinking, my landlady must have been getting tipsy with wine, I get ready in the normal routine. Yet this morning could not be normal, no it had to be different. Stepping out of the shower I go to brush my teeth. Here comes the sound of the horizontal tango, entertaining me while I clean my bicuspids.

I try to create a void of pornographic things in my life, including those made by vocal chords, but it is very hard in a house with thin walls. Having enough of the laughter generated inside out of disgust, I email my landlady later on in the day so as to lay into her with embarrassment. I make slanted comment after slanted comment, making her beet red in the process and unlikely to ever find foreplay & acts of the flesh permissible again with me, the old lady, the other divorced guy, and of course the 2 random generic Mexicans sleeping on the couch ever again.

Result of fiasco:

$75 lower rent,
a lost bottle of Buffalo Wild Wing’s Blazin’ Sauce,
one lost bottle of sun tan lotion,
a missing pizza,
and more stress leading to an increased sense of anxiousness towards my November lease ceasing.

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